6 Lessons I'm Taking into Marriage

I’m getting married in a month!

It feels crazy to say that.

Crazy in a good way.

Fun fact — my fiancé and I met on March 13th, 2020, right before everything closed for Covid.

The bar we went to was shut down the next day.

It made for an interesting start to our relationship.

We’ve been together for over 3 years and living together for nearly 2.

And it hasn’t all been sunshine and rainbows.

We’re both naturally positive people, and our default mood together is happy.

But there have been some challenges.

And this is a good thing.

There’s a stupid default assumption I sense in millennials that relationships should be easy.

That when you find the “right” someone, the relationship will be effortless.

With this expectation, as soon as that 2-month “this is so new and exciting” phase wears off, and you have an argument, you’re back on Hinge swiping for another false expectation of perfection.

As I gear up to get married, I’ve been thinking a lot about the lessons I’ve learned in this relationship, and these 6 points stand out.

Relationships Are Work

I was walking with my fiance the other evening, and she was telling me about a friend whose marriage was on the rocks.

“Make sure you find someone you have common interests with, or else you’ll run out of things to talk about,” was the advice from this person.

I immediately called bullshit.

You need some common interests, but shared values are much more important.

This person’s marriage is on the rocks because they haven’t put enough effort in.

A year into a relationship, you’ll have heard all of each other's stories.

You can’t expect stimulating conversation topics to be in constant abundance.

Keeping the fire alive means intentionally seeking out interesting experiences and exploring new ways of interacting with your partner.

Everything from finding activities to having stimulating conversations in a relationship requires effort.

It’s something to be worked at, like building a business or a physique.

You need to put focused time into a relationship where you’re not distracted by other things. You need to be fully present.

Make time for date nights.

Make time for each other without distractions.

Genuinely try to understand your partner, their interests, and their perspective.

It’s not easy.

It’s not supposed to be easy.

The best things in life are never easy; why should love be any different?

It Won’t Be Perfect

Fighting with your partner isn’t a sign that things aren’t working out.

Disagreements are a natural consequence of two people navigating life together.

This is strongly connected to people imagining that relationships should be easy; they see any argument as a sign that something isn’t working and that the “right” relationship will be a euphoric bliss.

You can’t expect a relationship to be effortless, and you can’t expect it to be a picturesque experience from a romance movie.

There will be problems and disagreements.

It’s best to approach these as problems to be solved rather than problems to run away from.

Allow Each Other Space

Having the space to pursue individual projects and interests is crucial.

You can’t rely on your partner to complete you and fulfill 100% of your purpose; you need to have parts of your life that you do just for you and something beyond your relationship.

People sometimes lose their sense of self in a long-term relationship. I’m no psychologist, but that can’t be a good thing.

A healthy relationship is two complete and functional selves coming together; you shouldn’t rely on someone to complete you.

Making time for individual projects is an important part of developing your individuality and identity.

Give each other some space to pursue personal projects.

Don’t Ask For Permission

I remember seeing a friend call his partner to ask if he could come out for a beer.

It struck me as pathetic and dysfunctional — and not because it was emasculating. No partner in a relationship, regardless of gender, should ask permission to go out and do something with their friends.

A healthy relationship is between two adults with agency.

There are exceptions - things that involve moving away or spending large amounts of money are different.

It can also get to the point where it’s too much; you need to be committed to spending time with your partner and probably shouldn’t be spending every Saturday night pounding back beers with your friends.

But aside from extreme circumstances, individuals in a healthy relationship have autonomy.

They don’t ask for permission to do things.

Accept Quirks

When you move in with someone, you’ll start to notice the little things they do that irritate you.

I’ve been told that I talk to myself (this is how I work out content ideas).

My fiance likes to leave her bags on the floor and forget to hang her jacket up…

If something really crosses a line for you, you’ll have to bring it up and talk about it. But for the most part, you’re better off accepting these little quirks.

Pick your battles.

It again comes down to not expecting someone to be perfect. Everyone has these little quirks and eccentricities. Try to see them as endearing, and only bring them up if they’re a problem.

Don’t Sweep Anything Under the Rug

If something truly is a problem, it’s vital to address it.

You can’t sweep real problems under the rug.

They’ll come back up.

It might take years, but they will surface.

The biggest killer of a relationship is resentment.

Resentment is a vicious disease, and I don’t believe a relationship can survive if resentment takes hold.

You need to distinguish between “harmless quirk I’ll accept” and “something I need to talk about.”

If a habit or behavior from your partner truly bothers you, you have to address it.

Put it out in the open and solve the problem.

This is the part where being in a relationship isn’t always easy — you have to have these difficult conversations. The alternative is that you sweep things under the rug, where they will fester into resentment.

You doom your relationship if that’s your play.

The more difficult, honest conversations you can have, the stronger your relationship will be.

TL;DR:

6 things I’ve learned from living with someone for 2 years:

• Accept Quirks

• Allow each other space

• Don’t ask for permission

• Don’t expect it to be easy

• Don’t expect it to be perfect

• Don’t sweep anything under the rug

Some of you might look at this and laugh — “2 years? Get back to me in 20.”

If that's you, leave a comment! I’d love to hear your perspective.

When you’re ready, here’s how you can work with me.

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-Colin “Holy shit, I’m getting Married” Matson