How to Be Happy Part 1: The Desire Trap

Part 1 of a ~ 5 part series

February 23, 2023

brown field near tree during daytime

Happy Thursday, Friend!

For the next few weeks, I’ll be doing my best to articulate my thoughts on human happiness.

I’ve been interested in the literature on positive psychology and the philosophy of happiness for a few years. I’m in the process of untangling my thoughts on the subject based on the books I’ve read and my own experiences.

I’ve been reflecting on the following texts:

  • Awareness by Anthony DeMello

  • The Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu

  • The Bhagavad Gita

  • The Meaning of Happiness by Alan Watts

I’m attempting to articulate a coherent philosophy that combines desire without attachment, selfless service, authenticity, the full integration of ego and subconscious, and, most importantly, how to live an active life but be present and refrain from obsessing over the results.

This is part 1 of what will at least be a 5 part series on investigating aspects of happiness.

When you begin reading and learning about some spiritual content, you’ll come across a concept that seems to be at odds with living as a human on planet Earth.

Wanting things make you miserable.

As usual, Naval said it perfectly:

Desire is outsourcing your happiness and fulfillment to an external condition.

Maybe it’s a Mercedes.

A holiday home on the coast.

Being able to quit your job, move to Costa Rica, and work from your laptop.

You want one of these things, and you see the value in it.

But then, you have a problem.

You encounter the ancient spiritual idea that happiness is available to you right now and is not dependent on external factors.

What the heck are you supposed to do with that?

The drive for your goals — to fulfill your desire — gives your life purpose.

It provides you with meaning.

Are you supposed to abandon these goals to meditate all day?

Most people assume something similar after hearing these ideas about happiness and desire.

They then promptly discard spirituality and the idea of unconditional happiness as hippy woo-woo bullshit and get back to hustling for that sweet Mercedes Benz.

But there is an important distinction to make that allows you to integrate your Earthly desires with the spiritual wisdom that happiness is unconditional and available to you now, regardless of your circumstances.

See things as preferences, not desires.

The preference vs. desire reframing comes from Anthony DeMello (I HIGHLY recommend picking up his book “Awareness” on Audible)

Here is the excerpt from Awareness:

Do not suppress desire, because then you would become lifeless.

You’d be without energy and that would be terrible. Desire in the healthy sense of the word is energy, and the more energy we have, the better. But don’t suppress desire, understand it.

Understand it.

Don’t seek to fulfill desire so much as to understand desire. And don’t just renounce the objects of your desire, understand them; see them in their true light. See them for what they are really worth.

Because if you just suppress your desire, and you attempt to renounce the object of your desire, you are likely to be tied to it.

Whereas if you look at it and see it for what it is really worth, if you understand how you are preparing the grounds for misery and disappointment and depression, your desire will then be transformed into what I call a preference.

When you go through life with preferences but don’t let your happiness depend on any one of them, then you’re awake. You’re moving toward wakefulness.

You need a purpose — you need some “desire” to move somewhere other than where you are now. This is human nature.

The challenge is holding this drive in harmony with happiness and avoiding the desire trap. And the key here is to understand the desire: to see it for what it really is.

Working toward your desires is important; it gives your life purpose and provides you with energy. But it won’t make you happy.

Repressing your desires doesn’t work — this backfires and gives them more power over you.

The way around this is to understand your desires as preferences.

You want to achieve your goals. They provide you with energy — but don’t outsource your fulfillment to them.

You see them for what they are.

They are preferences.

This concept isn’t unique to Anthony DeMello; you see a similar message in the Roman Storic Seneca’s letters.

This is an excerpt from “On the Happy Life”:

I included this quote in last week’s article — but it’s a good one, so I’m throwing it in again.

Recognizing that you’d rather be jacked than weak, fit than fat, or wealthy than broke doesn’t mean you’re unwise.

Understand these drives: see them as preferences.

Don’t attach yourself to them.

All the problems occur when you attach yourself to your desires and set them as the “contract you make to be unhappy until you’ve achieved them.”

I believe the secret sauce to human happiness is to be able to integrate desire without attachment.

This is much easier said than done. And full disclosure — I’ve yet to achieve this.

It may be the work of a lifetime.

But I believe it’s possible, and I’m working on it.