The Uncomfortable Truth about Self-Esteem

Spoiler Alert: It can’t be faked

The biggest bone I have to pick with the self-improvement industry has to do with the portrayal of self-esteem

Look up “how to improve self-esteem” and you’ll find lists filled with ideas like positive affirmations, gratitude journaling, positive thinking, and self-forgiveness.

I don’t think that these are bad ideas — in fact, I think they are GOOD ideas, but I don’t think that these are complete solutions for low self-esteem.

These are band-aid solutions.

I view self-esteem as essentially the same thing as self-respect: If you have a healthy amount of respect for yourself you’ll have high self-esteem.

The fundamental truth that I don’t see nearly often enough in self-development content is that self-respect works no differently from how you respect others.

There is a suite of behaviors and values that you have respect for.

The people you look up to — your role models — are those who embody these values, and this is why you have respect for them.

If you haven’t clearly articulated the values and behaviors that you respect then try this:

What you’ll end up with is a list of behaviors/attitudes/values/ (I’m going to refer to this list as just ‘values’ from now on).

These are the values that you admire and have respect for, and you will respect yourself in exact proportion to the extent that you are living in accordance with these values.

Self-respect doesn’t get any special treatment, it works exactly like the respect you have for others.

If you can’t find sufficient evidence of living in accordance with these values in your life, no amount of positive thinking or affirmations can improve your self-esteem.

The evidence has to be there.

This is uncomfortable because it forces us to reflect honestly about where we are failing to live in accordance with our values.

But it also has profound potential; if you can stomach the brutal honesty, then you have a chance to address the root causes of low self-esteem, and not rely on band-aid solutions.

Use Journaling to Improve Self-Esteem

It’s helpful to journal to document your progress for how you are living in accordance with your values.

Find examples of when you did behave in a way that you respect, and make sure that you recognize yourself for this and appreciate the effort.

In addition, honestly appraise your behavior for examples of when you were not living in accordance with your values. Dig into the reasons why with some questions:

• What was the situation?

• Who were you with?

• What can you do next time?

Don’t be too hard on yourself, just be honest.

Degrading yourself with negative self-talk isn’t going to do you any favors here.

Just practice genuine, honest reflection about where you can improve in terms of conducting yourself in a way that you respect.

If you iterate on this process and make sincere efforts to improve, you will begin to respect yourself more, and your self-esteem will improve.

You need to have evidence of how you are earning your respect for yourself in order to have high self-esteem.

Like anything in life, there are no shortcuts, no hacks, no band-aids that will truly work.

You have to be honest with yourself and put in the work.